Welcome to the new blog. Today I am talking about toilet habits in the workplace.

Hey, I said I was making a new blog, I didn’t say it would be a better blog. Or wait, maybe I did say it would be better. Oh well, I lied. Nyah-nyah.

The darling Rae, when she still had her blog, once mentioned that occasionally when she was in the loo there would be the odd visitor who would sound like they were pouring water into the bowl from a great height. For an extraordinarily long time. Frankly, they were pissing like racehorses. This little observation was a huge source of amusement and revelation for many who read it.

I’ve noticed another kind of toilet-goer, though. The holder-on… hold-onnerer… bah, the ones who will sit there until everyone leaves before they do their business. Particularly Number 2s business. Number 2s seem to be a big problem for a lot people (alright, a lot of GIRLS) and the tell-tale splishing of water is apparently very embarrassing. I don’t get why. It’s a natural bodily function. Not doing it can actually make you quite ill if not kill you in extreme cases.

I must admit though, there have been times when I’ve waited, particularly when the other kind of toilet-goer that I hate visits the loo.

The talkers.

The people who insist on talking as they come in, talking as they use the loo, talking outside the stalls, talking over the sinks and talking as they make their way out. There seems to be no break in the conversation to say “hang on, let me pee first”. They just talk. Though more annoyingly it’s the bit where they insist on having a ten minute converstion in the loos without moving on to better places that really bugs me because it is kind of embarrassing when one punctuates a spoken sentence with a distinct, splishy “plop”.

I hate the talkers.

Apart from holding on, a few people seem to be slightly more inventive in hiding the fact that they have the same biological requirements as everyone else.

There is the “cough method”. Other than increasing pressure in the bowels for a brief moment, I am not sure what this accomplishes other than provide a loud prelude to the distinct, splishy “plop” sound that will inveriably happen a second AFTER they cough and not during as planned.

Some people make other noise, otherwise known as the “distraction method”. However, unless you’ve got a mariachi band following you into the toilet, no amount of pulling toilet paper off the roll at highspeed or knocking the sanitary bins will disguise THAT sound.

Others rejoice and actually sing away their embarrassment. This disturbs me.

Then there are the really sneaky ones. The type who flush the toilet and manage to do their thing while the flush is happening (like the coughing method, not recommended for people who don’t have good timing) and paper-stuffers who will pull out a whole lot of toilet paper and stuff the toilet so that nothing actually hits the water. One wastes water and the other wastes paper.

The only time a pre-flush is needed is when one has made a particularly smelly mess due to a dodgey stomach, thus providing a courtesy to other loo mates to get rid of most of the parfum de diarrhea as quickly as possible.

I think I’ve taken this further than I thought I would…

In closing, all I can say is POO WITH PRIDE!

And tomorrow, I discuss why I think newborn babies look like the half-alien-half-human baby from “V“.

(And Calla thought there would be fluffy little blue-eyed kittens and happy dancing rainbows everywhere. I can promise no dancing rainbows, though there may be squirrels.)